God Bless This Mess Read online

  Dedication

  To those in the middle of the mess . . .

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Introduction

  1. Say What You Feel

  2. Put a Smile on Your Face

  3. Stay Inside the Lines

  4. Sweet Home Alabama

  5. The Man at the Door

  6. Something Big

  7. Guard Your Heart

  8. Dreaming of Miss America

  9. Legs

  10. Little Miss Everything

  11. Boundaries Matter

  12. Breakup Skinny

  13. What You Don’t Know Might Hurt You

  14. Welcome to Bachelor Nation

  15. Skrrrrrip!

  16. What Happens in Windmills

  17. Losing Trust

  18. Losing Faith

  19. Dancing with the Scars

  20. Heels in My Hands

  21. Everything Changes

  22. Day by Day

  23. New Beginnings

  Acknowledgments

  Photo Section

  About the Author

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Introduction

  I’m a total train wreck.”

  That’s a pretty big thing to admit, let alone to say to another person. Let alone to say to a stranger. And when I said it back in early 2018, I wasn’t talking to myself in the mirror at the end of a really hard day. I didn’t write it in my journal. I didn’t say it to my therapist or a close girlfriend. I wasn’t even talking to my mom.

  I said it to a camera crew—in front of millions of viewers on TV.

  Then I took things one step further: “The hot-mess express,” I said, when they asked me to sum up my life. “And I’m the conductor! Toot-toot!”

  Can you imagine? This was my chance to introduce myself to the potential man of my dreams (not to mention a worldwide television audience) when I went on a little show called The Bachelor, and those were the words I chose to describe myself.

  I’ll tell you what, though: I wasn’t lying. I think a lot of people who’ve watched me on TV or followed me on Instagram would say I have lived up to that description to a T.

  And I’m okay with that.

  I am a hot mess.

  I don’t mean it in a negative way. It’s just the truth. I’m twenty-six years old as I’m writing this book. I’m smack in the middle of trying to figure out who I am as a person. Lots of girls go through big changes and tough relationships and crazy challenges as they transition from teens and young women into full-blown adults. I’m not alone, right? (Please, God, tell me I’m not alone!)

  At times I feel like I’m going through some sort of quarter-life crisis. Is that even a thing? If not, then I think we should make it a thing, because lots of people I know seem to be going through something similar.

  The only difference is, I’ve been doing it while millions of people are watching.

  While this is not a Bachelor or Bachelorette book, my time on those shows, followed by my winning season on Dancing with the Stars, just happened to come when I was going through some of the biggest changes and most challenging struggles of my life. I was watched, loved, hated, admired, scolded, and scorned, all at once, in public, while all kinds of commentators kept talking about my struggles with faith and sex and feminism in front of the whole world, in women’s magazines, on competing TV networks, and even on NPR. And that led me to develop an audience of millions of fans of my own on social media; followers who tell me all the time that they’re just so happy to see someone be real on TV; happy to see someone who wears her heart on her sleeve; someone who reminds them a little bit of themselves and what their lives would be like if the cameras captured their reality on TV, messes and all. Mostly, they tell me how refreshing it is to see someone who’s so open, which has made me feel empowered to open up even more.

  But guess what? My most private thoughts, my private moments, the emotional history that led me to become the mess I became, have all been kept safe in my heart and in my journals. I’ve never shared the stuff that I hope is most relatable to you, the person who’s holding this book. Until now.

  There were nights when my smiling face was out there drawing big ratings for these popular TV shows when in real life I was sitting alone in an empty apartment, eating takeout food with a plastic fork, crying my eyes out, wiping snot from my face, and questioning why God was testing me like this. Why was I feeling so inadequate, not trusting my gut, chasing false trophies, allowing myself to be betrayed by men who said they loved me, not recognizing the difference between real love and something less? Why was I so afraid to express my true thoughts and feelings, not only with men but in so many aspects of my life?

  Maybe it’s because sometimes I didn’t even know or understand what my own true thoughts and feelings were.

  My life really was a complete mess, and God bless all of it. Because it’s in the messes where we learn the most—as long as we slow down enough to realize what God is trying to show us.

  * * *

  For most of my life the idea of slowing down had been a problem for me, but by early 2020 it was full-on out of control. It felt like my “hot-mess express” was going two hundred miles per hour when the pandemic stood up and pulled on the emergency brake. And then, just like everybody else, I found myself facing the world at a standstill.

  All of a sudden I had time on my hands. For the first time since I can’t even remember, I stopped moving from one thing to the next and the next and the next. And whether I wanted to or not, whether I was ready for it or not, whether I liked it or not, the quarantine (and a couple of mistakes I made during that time) forced me to take a good long look in the mirror.

  That’s a good thing. I mean, it should be, right? How often do we get a chance to stop and really think about what we’re doing, who we are, and who we want to be? With 100 percent of my new career opportunities in Hollywood on hold for a moment, I finally got a chance to ask myself why I was going so fast in the first place—and why that felt so important.

  The thing is, when you live so much life so quickly, you change. That’s not a bad thing, but I realized that whenever someone asked me to explain my experience over the past few years, or even over the past several months, I actually had a visceral reaction. I would take a big gulp, heave an even bigger sigh, and immediately feel my throat close up to prevent the words from coming out. It’s like every thought would leave my mind, and I wanted to flee the conversation. I was paralyzed by the wave of emotions that rushed over my body in a matter of seconds.

  Why is that?

  Maybe it is because I’ve lived so much life so quickly. It feels like I’ve done fifteen years’ worth of living since 2018. I’ve gone from being a private person, living in small-town Alabama, to being known all over the world. And flying all over the world. I had never even left the country before. I’ve gone from single to engaged to single again. I’ve dated more men than some women do in a lifetime. I slept with more men in one week than I’d slept with in my entire life. And I’ve gone from losing touch with my faith to coming back around to find Jesus still loves me, through all of my mistakes, my suffering, my losses, my wins, and everything in between.

  Taking the time to try and find answers for myself has been one of those hurts-so-good things. You know what I’m talking about? The first thing that comes to mind when I think of a hurts-so-good experience—okay, well, maybe the second (thank you, John Mellencamp)—is a deep-tissue massage. Like, super painful and torturous in the moment. You think about turning over and punching the masseuse when she puts her entire body weight on the knot you worked really hard to get from all the stress
you figuratively, and now literally, put on your shoulders. But after a few days the soreness goes away, the boulder knot of stress dissipates—for a little while, at least—and you feel better.

  Well, that’s what I want to do with this book: to give you a hurts-so-good experience that allows your own soreness and pain to go away for a while—and maybe make you feel a little bit better about yourself while we do it.

  * * *

  Since long before the quarantines started, I’ve been diving into self-help books by all sorts of authors, trying to find solace and answers to all my worries, or at least the feeling that someone out there gets what I’m going through. Here’s what usually happens: I start reading the book in hopes of gaining some insight, I find a place where the author describes my feelings and experiences way better than I ever could, and then I’m like, “Gah, why can’t I express myself so eloquently?” The struggle/experience/feeling resonates with me. But then it seems like the writer always finds a solution, and I realize I’m not quite there yet. I’m not at the solution stage. I’m still in the thick of it. I know from experience that when I try to handle things with the maturity of Brené Brown, Oprah Winfrey, Glennon Doyle, or anyone else who has lived so much more life than me, it doesn’t work. I don’t wind up getting the same results. So I close the book and think, Oh, I wish I could be that wise!

  So many of these authors seem like they’ve found answers to life’s questions. They’ve made it through the fire. They’ve tested their faith. They’ve come up with formulas and tricks and habits and routines that get them through anything, to the point where they come out on the other side shining like the powerful women they are.

  Not me. Not yet. I feel like no matter how hard I try, life keeps kicking my butt and testing me again and again. Sometimes I wonder, is this ever gonna get any easier?

  After months and months of spiritual reflection, spending dozens of hours in the comfort of good teachers and positive friends, shaking off some of the burdens I’ve been carrying since childhood through therapy and some long talks with my mom and dad, it’s finally dawned on me: Maybe I was given this very public platform because I’m the one who needs to write the book. Maybe I need to share the stories I was looking so hard to find in all those books I read. Maybe God’s answer to my question is that I’m supposed to share the hurt and the healing that I’ve been through during this crazy-intense portion of my life with others. Maybe talking about it and connecting with all of you is what will make it easier—not just for me, but for you, too.

  I know the Lord didn’t put me through so much public pain for no reason. I need to have a public healing, too. Maybe I’ve gone through all of this so I can be someone in the public eye that people can look to who doesn’t have it all together yet—but who isn’t totally falling apart either.

  * * *

  My hope is that God Bless This Mess will be the book I wish I’d had: a book that gives other girls just trying to figure out life an honest account of how beautiful messes can actually be. It’s the story of what I’ve gone through, what I’m going through, and how I’m working on it—with the comfort of knowing that, like other young women, I don’t have all the answers. What I do have is experience. I’ve been through some seriously humbling, humiliating moments, both in private and in public. And there’s something beautiful about that, once you’ve been humbled enough to see it from a new point of view. I’ve gotten stuck in so many storms with no umbrella, wearing white shoes, and I’ve grown stronger, more resilient, and better prepared for whatever life throws at me because of them.

  Lysa TerKeurst, one of my favorite Christian writers, once wrote, “Wisdom is our silver lining. Wisdom will help us not repeat the mistakes we’ve made but rather grow stronger through them.” Which means that our best worst mistakes are the ones that can teach us the most.

  Here’s the good thing about having lived what feels like fifteen years in three: I don’t have to wait until I’m forty to write this book! The hurting and hell I’ve been through was all so I can share the healing with readers like you, right now, when I’m not yet married, I’m not a mom, I’m not living for another person or people. I’m living for me—and trying my best to live for the Lord.

  We all long for connection, to feel seen and heard, wanted and understood. (That’s part of the reason we’re all living our lives out on social media, right?) We don’t need to be fixed or given a how-to. What we really need is to be loved and accepted. And while I sometimes have a hard time believing anyone should look to me for a list of what to do and not to do in life, I do believe I’m a girl who can offer some comfort—a relatable voice to help others feel not alone or crazy but connected as they figure out their lives, too.

  My hope is that this memoir will empower young women to embrace the messier parts of their lives. It’s okay for y’all to fail, sometimes a lot, on the journey of life. When we embrace things not being perfect in a world that’s increasingly geared toward perfection, that’s when we get the chance to grow. That’s when God gives us a great big opportunity—to learn to live and love a little better than we ever knew how to live before.

  Chapter 1

  Say What You Feel

  My first night on The Bachelorette, right after meeting all the guys who were there to be my suitors, I wondered whether one of them might turn out to be my husband—and I sat there thinking, I don’t think he’s here. I don’t think he’s here at all!

  I knew it was important for the guys on the show to be hopeful—to know that I was taking this seriously, and that I did see a future with one of them. So when the cameras were rolling, I gave this speech saying the exact opposite of how I felt. I basically said I believed my husband was in the room.

  I said the words that I thought everybody wanted to hear me say. And even though I wanted those words to be true, it just felt wrong.

  Later on, after a lot of reflection and more than a little therapy, I started to wonder why I did that.

  My whole life, I’d been told to “say it like you mean it.” To stand confident. Not just onstage (or on television), but in everyday life. But what good is saying it like you mean it if you don’t say what you truly feel? Why did I do that?

  Why, as women, do so many of us do that?

  * * *

  My first concern when they filmed me getting out of the limo to meet host Chris Harrison in front of the Bachelor mansion was to do so without showing everyone my hoo-ha! My dress had a big slit in it, and pivoting out in a graceful and ladylike way was a real challenge. Once I finally managed it, I walked over to Chris wearing this heavy, nude-colored sequin gown that I could never afford myself. And from the very first step the gown kept getting sloshed with water, making it even heavier, until its weight literally cut off the circulation in my shoulder. (A TV “secret”: they hose off the sidewalks and pavement so it all glistens in the lights. I never knew that, but now I notice it in all sorts of shows and movies. Like, Huh. Why is the ground wet? It must rain a lot more than anyone realizes in Los Angeles! )

  Anyway, they dried my gown with a hair dryer, and I took my place in my high heels, with the gown getting all wet again at the bottom. Then Chris walked away, and all of a sudden it was silent. I mean, you could hear a pin drop.

  Oh, my gosh, I thought, this is it. I couldn’t believe this was really happening. But also, what the heck was I doing?

  One by one the limos started coming up the driveway, and I felt like my heart was in my butt! Like my heart dropped so hard. Of course it was exciting, but it was also so much fear. I felt grateful, like pinch-myself grateful, but at the same time I was thinking, What the heck am I doing trying to find a husband on TV?

  I was also super conscious of this massive zit on my face that showed up on that day. Of all days. Of course. I’d made it through all the preshow photo shoots and publicity with clear skin, and then right when I was gonna meet the guys, I got this massive cyst. I named it Marcus. And I swear I could feel Marcus growing bigger and bigger t
he whole night, as the guys got out of the limos, one by one, and came up to meet me for the very first time.

  I worried that Marcus (and yes, we are still talking about the zit here) was all they’d see, not me! So the whole night I felt insecure. Which is kind of funny, since one of my primary goals that night was to make sure the guys didn’t feel all awkward and insecure.

  I remembered that awkward, nervous what-in-the-world-do-I-say feeling when I got out of the limo for the very first time to meet Colton, on the previous season of The Bachelor. The season where I went from being just one of the thirty girls he had to choose from to being heartbroken, talked about all over social media, and ultimately picked as the Bachelorette.

  It’s so quiet, I thought that first night on Colton’s season. There were multiple crew people all standing there watching, and the lights were in my eyes, and I swear I started shaking like a fawn in headlights in the middle of a four-lane freeway. I wished I had somebody there to guide me and let me know I’d be all right.

  So when these guys got out, I just wanted to say, “It’s okay! It’s all gonna be okay. I felt the same way!”

  As I stood there meeting the men one by one, other than my feet feeling like they were gonna fall off and the zit growing on my face, I enjoyed stepping into the experienced caregiver role for the guys, being the one to say, “I got this.” I truly wanted to put the guys at ease. I cared more about them than I did about myself.

  With most of the guys, I could see that their hands were shaky, that they couldn’t put words together. But with the cameras rolling, I couldn’t tell them, “Forget about the lights and all those crew people. Just look into my eyes, and it’s all gonna be okay.” That would break the TV magic. So instead I just put on my perky pageant-girl smile and said, “Hi! I’m Hannah. So nice to meet you.”

  That’s what I’m good at. When that internal pressure hits, I know how to turn it on. But these guys didn’t know the Perfect Pageant Patty version of me. They had only ever seen me let loose on Colton’s season. So when the time came for me to be the center of the show, the lead, the girl in charge of the situation, I did what needed to get done. I said what needed to get said. I smiled when I needed to smile. I poured my heart out when the situation required it.